It's a knock-off life

Humpin', funkin', jumpin'

2006-02-17T07:17:00.000-08:00

Somewhere, at one place in the world, I am this week's reigning champ of karaoke. Armed with a $25 gift certificate to this bar, I am feeling like a rappin' supa-star.

My song?

The Humpty Dance.

Do the humpty hump. Do the humpty hump.

Tag, you're it!

2006-02-05T18:53:00.000-08:00

I got this meme from Shrew: (Thanks Shrew! I don't remember the last time i got pegged with one of these things...fun!)

the rules: the victim lists 8 different points of their perfect lover/partner, mentioning the sex of said partner. tag 8 victims to join this game & leave a comment on a post letting them know theyve been tagged.

The sex of the future Mr. Knockoff is male.

My perfect partner:
1. Is taller than me and built the way I like 'em.
2. Is confident and take-charge in bed, knows what the hell he's doing and understands pleasure is a two-way street. (I learned a lot about what I want from the last man, who really showed me what a good love life was all about. Most of the time anyway.)
3. Is college-educated, has a career and is motivated
4. Will understand that girls burp and fart, too, and sometimes we would like to try and beat you at making the loudest noises.
5. Has an interest in something fitness related - running would be super but any exercise interest would be great.
6. Is madly in love with me.
7. Enjoys spending time together going places, doing things, being with friends or family, or just by ourselves doing nothing. For hours.
8. will be romantic and spontaneous.

Tag eight people...

Texas Biscuit
Carol
MooCow

Ok. So it's not 8 people. But it's a try!

BTW - had that date Friday night and it went well. Probably will see him again - there were some sparks but not enough to make me overly excited. I'm not putting my eggs in one basket.

Another date the end of this week, we'll see. This one sounds like a player. Just my luck, I'll like him and he will be. LOL

Happy supberbowl!

Sorry!

2006-02-03T07:26:00.000-08:00

I really did just kind of drop news and then disappear off the blogging universe. Sorry!

Turns out, I just wasn't feelin' the runner dude. We went to a local diner and our conversation just got WAY too heavy for a first date. So I set it up early that I was still mouring the MN relationship and I might not really be looking for anything, I just wanted to get my feet wet in dating again, and at the end of the night, when he dropped me off at my car, and said, "I know you said you aren't ready to date yet, but I had such a good time tonight..." I was quick with the, "yes, but I don't think it's fair to start dating someone when you have another person in your heart and your mind still..."

Which is technically true. For someone who still isn't ready to date again. I feel there are some occasions where little white lies, or truth-stretching, is appropriate. Now, he and I can be friends, and I technically didn't reject him! Everyone's happy and I don't have to reveal that I just didn't feel sparks (except to you guys, of course.) A couple days after the date, things were back to the way they were!

Now, in addition to that, I also went on a date last weekend (again with the no sparks, but that's ok. I'll never have to see that guy again), and I have another date tonight. I was holing myself up for the weekend to do school work, but my professor decided she wants two of the writing assignments before tomorrow, so I figured, I'd pump them out between last night and today, go on the date, and then spend all day tomorrow doing the other assignment so I can go to a superbowl shindig. And not feel guilty!!!! I do have to miss a new friend's birthday celebration tomorrow night though :(

That's about all that's going on. There's the issue of how I'm busting my ass at the gym, and out pounding the pavement running and training for a half-marathon, but I'm not losing weight. Why? GS cookies. Cupcakes. Chocolate. French Fries. My appetite has increased with my increased fitness but I'm eating the wrong things!!! At least I'm still settling into the next size down so I must be losing inches.

I have to confess, blogging is not going to be as much of a priority for me. now. I'm keeping a journal of things, and I'm trying to stay dedicated to the craft of writing something publishable. If I write about my experiences here, then I am not going to feel like rehashing them in my journal, and I know that the journal is a better tool for my writing career.

So many men, so little time.

2006-01-12T08:10:00.000-08:00

I'll rewrite this post later. But this guy. Yeah.

He asked me out last night.

SCORE!

Just pray - to whoever you believe in

2006-01-10T18:47:00.000-08:00

I am on one of those internet friend web sites, and I found an old sorority sister. I was so excited - I haven't seen her in years.

*I probably don't often mentoin I was in a sorority - that's because I think of it as an extracurricular activity in college. The friends I made, we have moved on into adulthood and have other extracurricular activities to fill the time. The sorority brought us together, but we don't need it to stay together. I believe the sorority has a purpose, and I was served by it. I think it's great that there are those girls who participate in alumnae groups, and still care deeply about the college chapter, but I feel so removed from it! I think it's up to the actives to keep it going. The one thing I do support is being able to stay in touch with each other...

Anyway. Off that soapbox.

Back to my friend.

She is a couple years behind me in college. Out of college, she went into the military. When I saw her location listed on the site, I noticed it was a state that I highly doubted she would move to voluntarily.

Turns out, she's still serving the country and no, she didn't voluntarily move there.

I wrote her the initial "hey, I found you - how are you?!" and sent hugs her way. She responded back and told me one of the negatives about the state she's in (I don't want to offend any states. Or state lovers. Or lovers in states. Whatever).

I wrote her back again and said thank you for doing something I don't have the courage to do: serve our country. I told her how I don't agree with the president, but I support her and her troops and I am thankful to them.

What she said back to me gave me the chills and saddened me.

I didn't want to print it word for word, but I wanted to share the story nonetheless.

She thanked me for my thank you - She doesn't often hear any simple "thank yous."

She told me that she feels like a pawn in the government's game, and how heartbreaking it is to see 19 and 20-year-old veterans at the hospitals.

She might be deployed overseas - not to Iraq - but deployed, nonetheless. Her body is battle-worn maybe not by war, but by the life of war.

Yet still, her spirit is not broken. She believes in what she's doing and loves the United States.

I got the chills, and I teared up.

I don't often pray, but I will pray for her - and every other military personnel - tonight.

I ask you, pray for her. Pray for that friend you might not know is serving the country. Pray for that person you know is. Pray for the strangers who don't know you but are willing to fight if it might benefit you.

Today's personal activity: Ran
Gym track: 30 minutes, didn't keep track of miles - maybe 2.5? 2.7?

Monday Monday

2006-01-09T19:32:00.000-08:00

Monday ramblings...

*I think I'm getting sick :( It would make sense. Cat is sick. Cubie is sick.

I'm doomed. And I feel achy/fatigued and warm yet cold.

*sigh*

I actually think I've had more colds and illnesses since I started running and lost weight than I did when I was fat and inactive.

*I also think I experienced my first asthma attack after taking an aquatic fitness class this evening.

I don't know though - maybe you guys who have asthma or know someone who has it can tell me if I'm just overreacting!

After the class, I swam a lap to the other end, and had to stop to catch my breath. It was taking longer than normal and I coughed a couple times but I waited it out. Then I swam back to the other end. I found my footing and starting coughing short, quick coughs. I felt my throat constricting every time I breathed in, making me cough more and try to find air. I wheezed a couple times as I breathed in. I felt like I couldn't stop coughing, though. I grabbed my throat and pushed at that sensitive area where they'd do a tracheotomy, hoping to massage it, hoping it would help. When I left the pool area, the coughing subsided and I eventually returned to normal.

It was a very scary time.

*Internet dating is still going well. I now have five men who want to talk to me on the phone, or meet me. I hope they don't all call at the same time!!!

*My cousin called tonight. Cruise, the end of August for seven days, $1,200. I want to do it. But my responsible side says, save the tax refund, put it away. But damnit, I want to go on a vacation. I'm going to see how the tax refund gods treat me this year first before making decisions.

*Favorite line of the night from a Family Guy episode: "I have more creativity in me than most people do by 9 a.m." (I'm pretty sure I heard that right!)

*I'm tired...time for bed.

*It's also time for a real blog post soon.

*good night :)

Today's personal activity: XT
Splash dance aquatic fitness class
(jogging under water, jumping jacks, water weights): 45 minutes

Weekend round up

2006-01-07T13:39:00.000-08:00

Hope everyone is having a great weekend!

I decided to hang out with Paddy tonight. I'm most likely overreacting. The problem is, I just have too much time on my hands to think of myself.

This morning I set my alarm for 8:15 a.m. I wanted to go to this class at the gym...well, I kind of forgot the class started at 9 a.m., in my morning haze I thought it started at 9:30, so I kept hitting snooze...at 8:40 I jumped up out of bed and somehow, made it to the class and walked in right as the instructor was arriving, too. Perfect timing!

It was a fun class, a mix of a bunch of different exercise and methods of exercise. We did step aerobics, some jogging, pilates, kickboxing, jumping jacks, resistance bands, weights, stretching, leg lifts, abs, etc. I like this class and my Wednesday night class. Monday night I'm going to try an aquatic fitness class and maybe I'll subject myself to another night of spinning this week - which I am not a fan of but I leave drenched in sweat! Seriously, those bike seats are killers.

I was a complete fumbling idiot this morning, though. When it comes to step aerobics, or anything involving hand and feet coordination, I just can't seem to hang. When she went left, I was going right and trying to go left and when she went right I was still right trying to go left. I guess you had to be there LOL :)

The online dating thing is still keeping me busy. Everyday I'm getting emails and flirtations from several men, and giving out one or two of my own. There's a couple guys I'm talking to. We actually have conversations over email. I am a bit hopeful, too, of two guys I got emails from today.

It's just a nice, laid back weekend. I did some grocery shopping after the gym, came home and relaxed, and now I'm going to go cook dinner and get ready for my night out. Tomorrow I'll do the work I brought home. I'm actually looking forward to waking up, making a pot of coffee, and settling in to do something productive.

Enjoy the rest of your weekends!

Today's personal activity: XT
Morning mix class: 75 minutes

What's a girl to do?

2006-01-05T17:55:00.000-08:00

I met Paddy because Cat and another friend of hers decided to set me up with him.

I lost all faith in Cat's ability to play matchmaker when I met Paddy. He's a nice guy but I just have never been attracted to him.

Paddy, however, was interested in me and he never tried to hide it. He has let me know he'd hook up with me even at the one time since I've known him that he had a girlfriend.

It's been four years since I first met Paddy.

Well, Paddy is single. I am single. And at Cat's wedding, I drunkenly asked Paddy why he continues to flirt with me even though I always tell him no. I don't remember his answer. I do remember me telling him, in response to something he said, that most of my Friday nights are now free.

Let it be known. Liquor is NOT always truth serum.

So naturally, Paddy has sent me emails over the last couple weeks, inviting me to group dinners (with other people I know), inviting me to a club. And now, I think I've officially been asked on a date for Saturday night.

And I want to say yes, because I'd probably have fun, but I don't want to lead him on. But then I think, well, maybe this is how it's supposed to go. Maybe if I hung out with him more I'd like him.

Then I thought, wait. What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I so "boy crazy" all the sudden?

But really, it's not all of the sudden, is it?!

I am this completely independent woman who takes care of herself day in, and day out. Yet, I seem to be so focused on finding a man that I've written about little else since the day I met MN last year. (ok, I'm pretty focused on the exercise, running and weight thing, too!)

It's like I'm a horse with blinders - I just HAVE to date. I have to get out there.

I have to proactively scrub back and forth, back and forth, to take off the loneliness.

Why am I the lonely one?

I have no one I want tell this to. Why bring down the happy married/committed friends? Why be "that girl" that always bitches about being single? And single friends who understand where I'm coming from - they are few and far between. I have one single guy friend I've been hanging out with a lot lately who's gorgeuos and meeting women left and right and tonight called to tell me he's smitten with this new chickie.

It just makes me feel so....defective.

Have you got any idea what it was like to spend new year's with two sets of newlyweds who both honeymooned at the same location just a couple months a part? I have become a PRO at not getting depressed when I'm the third or fifth wheel. Cat and her husband, I'm used to. But the other couple's simple togetherness - snuggling...kisses. It stabbed me in the gut, reminding me that I feel incomplete. I feel defective.

The truth is, I CAN handle myself, take care of me. I'm great by myself. I can spend hours upon hours by myself and be happy and content. But it's the lonliness that gets me. I'm such a social creature. I crave company.

*sigh* I started off this post on a totally different leg. LOL I'm really a happy gal, just frustrated. I will probably delete this post tomorrow, when I come to my senses!

Today's personal activity: NONE
Tone and stretch class made me feel aches in every muscle in my body!

It's rainin' men!

2006-01-04T09:37:00.000-08:00

Don't hand me any umbrellas! Bring on the rain!

Online dating bodes well for me this time around, although I haven't gotten to the meeting-people part yet so it's easy to remain optimistic. I'm getting a mix of interesting, attractive and completely NOT my type guys.

Here's some snippets of what I'm experiencing:

*A lot of the men who view my profile or write me are into camping. Can you blow dry your hair with a hairdryer, camping?!

*The two guys I'm most interested in right now are big guys. Hefty. Goes to show you can't block yourself into a type.

*It's nerve racking, wondering if a guy you email is going to email you back.

*It's a little off putting that so many men have viewed my profile, and not all of them have emailed.

*Am I THAT egotistical!? LOL

*I got a flirtation from a guy who resembles L. DiCaprio except a little more psycho looking.

*Kinda like a L. DiCap and Jack Nichols combo.

*If a guy has fuzzy anywhere in his profile, do you think he's a really hairy guy?

*I have the potential to be one of those people who could spend WAY too much time online, ever leaving the house, therefore prompting an intervention with family.

*No, really, that's not going to happen, but I AM strongly drawn to the computer these days!

*I sent a message to a guy (I also have a free accoutn on another site, so I can't remember which one this was) and commented that I liked his profile and its honesty. He wrote back that he tries to tell it like it is. "Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's not." Then he signed off.

*OUCH*

*I learned from that, that I'm not the only one doing the rejecting :)

Ok, so I haven't actually done this yet, but here's my
Today's personal activity log: XT
Tone and stretch class: 60 minutes
Swimming: 30 minutes or more.

Back to everyday

2006-01-03T17:46:00.000-08:00

The alarm went off at 6:15 a.m. and I immediately hit the snooze bar. I pulled my jersey cotton sheets and queen-sized comforter up over my head and fell back asleep for 9 minutes.

Again, P and S woke me up again on my clock radio and I hit snooze.

Sleep. Wake up to alarm. Snooze. Repeat. Until about 7 a.m. Then I just forwarded the alarm to 7:30.

I finally got myself showered, made up and out the door, stopped to fuel myself with DD coffee, a whole wheat bagel with lite cream cheese and arrived and settled into my desk for the first time in 11 days.

11 glorious, stress-free, I-can-drink-coffee-late-and-not-worry-about-it, sleep in until 10 a.m. or 11 a.m., shopped-til-I-dropped days.

11 days full of family, friends, celebrations, relaxation, reading, writing, reading some more, movie watching, tv watching, game playing, and did I mention, shopping?

*sigh*

It felt good to be back, despite it all.

I got home around 5:20 and popped leftover pizza in the oven. I only ate one piece; I opened a letter from my apartment complex about the rent increase of $45 a month and I lost most of my appetite. Then I went for a run. (I wrote the post about the seasonal gym goers last year, no need to revisit! But seriously - not a treadmill was open! The track was packed!)

And so ends my first day back from vacation and into the trenches once again. I'm still energized from the exercise and I'm sipping a cup of Zen tea, ready to pounce on a chocolate and vanilla cupcake.

After I eat the cupcake, I'm watching a little tv and settling into bed with my current-but-almost-finished novel, "Conversations with the Fat Girl."

Hope you all had a great day back to work, back to your everyday, those of you who also had vacation :)

Today's personal activity log: running
Run: easy pace for 30 minutes, 2.7 miles

Lonely blogger seeking internet dating stories

2006-01-02T19:12:00.000-08:00

*Disclaimer: writing blog post vs. sitting on couch, spending last hour of my vacation watching "Family Guy." *sigh*

I've done the Internet dating thing before. Post your pic, post your profile and throw caution to the wind.

It got me some interesting stories.

The guy with the goatee who kept stroking it as he drove us over to a basketball game. Then he wanted to talk during the whole game while I was actually was interested in who was winning. something about fans blowing in Poland? Huh? I don't know. I was interested in whether the Sixers were dunking shots.

Then there was the guy who called me approximately 14 times in one day before we went out. And every day, he averaged between 3 to 10 calls. When I finally did meet him, I discovered he had the personality of a wet dish rag.

I can't forget the guy I met through the column I wrote a couple years back. I thought I'd found my soulmate, seriously. Until I opened my front door one early, early morning at 4:30 a.m. (after we'd talked for four hours on the phone) and found that he was not the man of my dreams. I tried hooking up with him, I continued to talk to him but I couldn't deny it - I was NOT attracted to him. You can't force something that isn't there.

Especially not when he started talking about us in the third person.

*shudder*

So why, you might ask, if I've been plagued with bad - yet funny - experiences, would I go and put a profile up on one of the well known dating sites?

Because I'm a glutton for punishment? I like having stories to tell?

Ok, yeah. But maybe, just maybe, I'm a little lonely and I want to date. Actively. (see New Year's post below :) )

And I'm really ready to date. I'm excited about it.

So I did it. Not only did I post pics and a profile, I paid for it.

Oh yes. I paid to find a man. And I'm not ashamed!

Cross your fingers for me, fellow bloggers!!!

Also new today: half marathon training commences.

Today's personal log of activity: cross training (XT)
Cardio kickboxing: 10 minutes
Toning, stretching: 15 minutes
Upright stationary bike, high intensity: 30 minutes

Back to Family Guy! "Oh, Pet-ah!"

...In with the new (New Year's, Part II)

2006-01-01T18:38:00.000-08:00

While 2005 was an eventful year, it's time to put it to bed. Time for new adventures and new experiences.

I just got back from dinner at Cat's parents - it was a yummy meal of pasta, homemade marinar and shrimp diablo. Her mom is an amazing woman. She's confident and cheerful and when she gave me advice, I listened. It cheered me.

When I left I paused and thanked God for the good people, the love, in my life. Even if I don't have romance, I am loved. And I love.

The thing to do these days is to NOT make resolutions. We say this every year. But then we turn around and we always swear something about the new year before us will be different.

So I'm not going to lie to myself or anyone else. I have a few things I wish to accomplish or do in 2006. But they aren't resolutions - it's what I like to call, my wish list:

Date more actively.

Run a half marathon in spring '06.

Run a marathon in November '06.

Not suffer any mind blowing hangovers.

Write every day in my blog or my leather-bound, neglected journal.

Visit Las Vegas.

Go on that cruise to somewhere tropical with my cousins.

Hunt for something I am not sure I want, but maybe if I find it, it will be right (cryptic, right?! Yes.)

See my parents and other family more often; do more for them than I think I'm capable of.

Manage stress and emotions better.

I'll stop there, at ten. I could go on with so many others, and perhaps I will find goals and objectives more important than these, but for now, this is what I wish for in 2006.

I wish YOU all health, happiness, love and your own adventures this year!!! And thanks for stopping by, reading and commenting.

Happy (melancholy) New Year!

2006-01-01T12:53:00.000-08:00

Well, I was going to do my part II post but maybe later. I'm a bit shaken up.

I was driving home from Cat's, where I spent New Year's Eve. I called my mom to wish her a happy new year. I told her what I was doing the rest of the day and she said my grandmother invited her over for dinner, but my mom just wanted to stay home. She spent all day yesterday out and 5 hours at the hospital on Friday night with grandmom, she just wanted to stay in her house...

Wait, what?! "Is grandmom OK? What happened? Why didn't you call me?!" I replied.

"She's ok, (*insert blah-di, blah-di blah blah* about what's wrong with grandmom, nothing serious, thank god)" my mom said.

I was relieved.

In my relief, I felt a punch in the pit of my stomach.

"Did you go to *insert name of MN's hospital*?" I asked.

"Yeah. We saw MN. I wasn't going to tell you but I might as well," she replied.

Apparently, he was walking by, and my mom and grandmom and aunt had been waiting too long for an ultrasound, and she stopped him.

"I'm knockoff's mom," she told him. He replied, I know, kind of short, she said, but not short in a mean way, just in a "I already know that," kind of way. My mom asked him to find the nurse taking care of them and about the ultrasound my grandmom needed and my mom said the next thing she knew, they were heading down for it.

That's nice, you're probably thinking. My mom must have talked shortly enough with him to find out he had come on his shift at 7 p.m.

"So, did he say anything else, did you talk about anything?" I asked, fishing for info.

No, my mom said. "He didn't ask about you at all. I thought he'd ask how you were doing."

Huh. Funny thing. That's what I thought, too.

I hung up with my mom, feeling sore, feeling a heartache that I hadn't felt in weeks.

Why does it have to still hurt? Why today, when it's a fresh start - a new year, a new day? I wanted to leave him back in 2005.

I called Cat and told her what happened. I knew I'd cry if I didn't.

"Well, that just goes to show what kind of person he is," she said. And she's right. I think I was charmed by his self-proclaimed "evil-ness" but I never really understood it before.

Because I know, that if the roles were reversed, I would have asked his mom, oh, how are you? How is MN? Ok, well, talk to you later.

The reason he got my mom and grandmom and aunt down to the ultra sound so quick? Probably because my mom admitted that my aunt, who has Down's, was acting out. And he probably didn't want to deal with seeing my mom. And he probably thought, "Man, I'm glad I'm not with HER anymore."

I know - these are not healthy thoughts to be thought. And I shouldn't suddenly be thinking of all the things about me that he didn't like. I should be thinking hey, that asshole didn't even ask how I was doing. It would have been the right thing to do. Especially when you say you still want to be friends.

(Even though I let him off the hook with that. When he said let's still be friends, blah blah blah I looked him in the eye and said, "but why? Why would we do that? We weren't friends before we started dating.")

SO anyway. When I got home I jumped on line, in some way hoping to see a friendly email from him. But I didn't. And I felt sad again. I decided to blog about it, and that's it. When I hit that enter button, I'm turning on my digital cable, tuning into the 80s music channel, hopping in the shower and going about the rest of my day.

And I'll do that "What I wish for 2006" later.

Happy New Year!

Enter button hit: NOW

Out with the old... (New Year's post, Part 1)

2005-12-31T12:23:00.000-08:00

A recap of 2005:
January
January started off amazing! I got a phone call my first day back to work - I won a $1,000 national journalism award from a respected organization!!!!
Later in the month, read "Stiff," and used my slow cooker for the first time. I sang in my cousin's wedding, held in a church with no heat during the major snowstorm of our winter last year. I closed out the month overdosing on girl scout cookies.

February
I still had a raging crush on some guy at work, who left or something, eventually. I got my hair cut really short and dug it. I met Christie Mae while on business in Atlanta. Big accomplishment of '05: I finally learned how to link to other people's blogs and sites! WOO! I decided I would extend a business trip to New Orleans into a birthday weekend extravaganza. I professed my love of my job but failed in the love department: my first goal of '05 was to have a date for Valentine's day. And I failed. Miserably!

March
Oh March, march march. You were a WONDERFUL month. *sigh* I met MN the beginning of the month. I had the most fantastic first dates, first kisses and memory making night/morning with him later in the month, and started a fantastic, 7-month romance. I contemplated leaving the blog-o-sphere when I found myself pouring too much of my heart out into the big wide world. The blog-lover in me decided to stay.

April
Janet and I unsuccessfully tried to organize a SJ blog meet up. :(
I discovered there's no gum in Disney. My MN and I spent a fun night in AC but I was keeping my options open. I was learning - all over again - the insecurities and roller coaster feelings of new romance.
I ran 7.1 miles, my longest distance yet, in preparation for my first 10-mile race. Unfortunately,
I ended the month on a painful, 104-degree temperature note - an aggressive bout of pharyngitis! It kept me out of the 10 mile race I was working so hard for!

May
I spent the first part of the month still sick, the pharyngitis coming back for seconds after my medicine was gone. But HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! 28, I turned, while in New Orleans. I spent the weekend there with Cat and Debbie.
I marveled at the progression of my relationship with MN, and the funny, embarrassing way I met his mom.

June
"I am ridiculously happy with this man," I wrote about MN.
I also grew up a little bit - saving money seemed important suddenly. I wore a bikini on the beach for the first time in YEARS.
I confessed my fear of roller coasters and MN's insistence that he would get me on them. Who knew it would be our downfall?

July
July 19 marked the one-year anniversary of my new life - one filled with running, exercise and healthier food choices. (well, except for lately LOL) I was so proud of myself. I started training for a marathon.
I moved to a new blog, too, and confessed my insecurities about MN's relationship with his exwife. I finally had someone to watch - and create - fireworks with.

August
I was crazy for confetti shoes! Both Cat and Kurt (MN) told me they didn't want to be seen with me wearing them LOL.
I met MN's daughter and tried to envision myself as a stepmom. I decided if I dated a state, it would be Colorado. I went to AC for a girl's weekend with Cat and another friend. More good times with the MN.

September
I met MN's son. Shortly after, I was horrified by what Katrina did to New Orleans, I'd fallen in love with it in May.
MN surprised me with my first NYC show. I saw Rent, finally! I thought, "When the play was done, I was overcome with emotion. It wasn't just the play, which was amazing. It was the experience."

October
Work was stressing me out. MN won a crapload of money when he won a truck from a drawing he entered one night in July at a bar we were at.
But I guess it's true - all good things must come to an end. My romance fell apart. "MN and I are over. I had just picked up my new eyeglasses and left the store and sat in the car as we talked, and ended our 7-month relationship. That I thought was perfect. But apparently, my anxiety about getting on roller coasters didn't agree with him." Well, the anxiety just kind of tipped the iceberg into the ship, I guess. Regardless, it was over.
I finished off the month as Venus, goddess of love, hooking up with a random guy at a Halloween party - and did not remember it!

November
I only posted twice in November. I have to face reality: November was a tough month for me as I licked my wounds and tried to heal.

December
I turned a corner - I was in my best friend's wedding and it was a great time. (That of which I remember of it, anyway...) I started listening to songs like "Respect" by Aretha Franklin instead of my "Behind these hazel eyes" theme song by Kelly Clarkson.

And today, this last day of the year, I see the heartbreak as one of the best things that happened to me. When I look back at the year - not through my blog posts but through my own mind - I think of the journalism award and the time spent with friends and family. Cat's wedding and all the activities associated with it. And I think about how I had the opportunity to start to fall in love, again.

Remember as the new year fast approaches with each minute: regret nothing. The experiences we have had are what shape us as who we are. These are the words that bounce in my head as I get ready to welcome 2006 with open arms.

For now:

How do you view the blogroll?

2005-12-30T07:06:00.000-08:00

Janet called last night, to firm up our plans for lunch today. I haven't seen the girl in months, and I'll see her twice today - lunch and then she and her boyfriend are coming over later to my apartment for the game night I'm hosting. (Yay! I love friends :) )

Anyway, as is typical, we got to chatting about our blogs. She told me about her nomination for best overall blogs in the "Best of the Blogs" awards. She had passed along my email to a blogger friend, who emailed me, and she asked me about it. Then I told her the strangest thing happened. Well, maybe it's not so strange, and I shouldn't feel so personally hit with it.

But I was taken off of someone's blog roll.

"Yeah, that happens to me, even when I'm updating, too!" Janet replied. We both laughed and I told her that it felt weird.

Now, I know I've probably been taken off of people's blogrolls before, and for various reasons. And certainly, a person has a right to do it - if you're not updating (I didn't for quite a while and at the time, sporadically) or if the person doesn't agree with your views or is bored by what you write, etc.

But I kind of felt a little stab of disappointment. Like, a friend had a party and didn't invite me. Well, ok, maybe not THAT strong of a stab of disappointment but you get the idea?

I waited several months of someone not updating before finally deleting their link from my blogroll. Then there was the blogger who's blogging just completely annoyed me, for what reasons I have no idea. It took me a while to delete his link, because I felt guilty doing it - but he was my first blogroll delete.

So I have a couple questions for you!

What about you - have you noticed that you've been deleted from someone's blog roll?

How did it make you feel? (such a cliche, reporter question, I know!)

What are your personal rules for deleting blogs from your own blogroll?

I'm procrastinating the whole 2005 - 2006 post. I mean, I feel like I lived a lifetime in one year. How do you capture that? I guess I'll try - but I still have one day left in this year to live!

Phoenix

2005-12-29T08:52:00.000-08:00

A huge, big, ginormous

HELLO!!!!!

To all of you in blogger land!!!

I got an email from Nate and I realized it'd been too long since I posted. And I reread my last post. I was seriously in the doldrums.

I don't remember the last time I read a blog, either. Janet is a good friend and I haven't even checked in on her blog since, like, the "I love the 80s 3D" came out on VH1!!!! Bad friend, bad friend *Smacking hand*

But, I am reborn. I am readjusting to the single girls' life. And I'm kinda lovin' it!

I am sleeping at night, again.

I went to see Rent, the movie.

I updated a very old internet dating site profile.

I find that my weekends are filled with me time, or time with friends and family.

Kurt is still there, on the outskirts of my mind, haunting me.

But the pain has dulled to an ache that I only feel when I let myself.

I am ready to date again! That has to be the most exciting part. Thinking about first dates, first kisses and that first rush of "like."

So much has happened since my last post. Cat's wedding, the holidays. I will try and post a pic of me in the red strapless dress, except I look all blurry ;) I felt beautiful that day, and was so happy for my best friend, who looked even more beautiful. They're at the tail end of a three week honeymoon right now and I can't wait to hear all about it New Year's Eve.

Speaking of which! I'm heading to a friend's house for the night, with the newlyweds and friend's of theirs from NYC. So I ask, what are you doing on New Year's?

Overjoyed?

2005-11-12T19:22:00.000-08:00

Life does not slow down just because you can't keep up.

When you get sick it kind of forces you to throw your hands up and say, OH, screw it. Life can go on without me for a day.

So I have spent all day watching old movies on tv, (Tootsie, Childs Play 3 and Sex, Lies and Videotape) in between doses of nasal decongestant and nose sprays and nose blowings and coughs.

I got sick Wednesday night but I kept riding life until today - I went to work, I went to class and last night, I went to a wedding.

But today I turned everything off except me.

Although I'm busy, I am still bothered by the breakup. And I find it therapeutic to write how I feel, because I feel silly still feeling heartbroken, it's been three weeks now. But then again, it's ONLY been three weeks. I guess there's two sides to everything.

I can sleep through the night now (well, minus the last couple of nights when it felt like Mack trucks were parked in my sinuses!) and don't think of him first thing. I ate Chinese food and it didn't make me reminisce.

But earlier today, I thought of what he might be doing today, is he going out tonight? Has he already started dating again? It feels, at times, impossible that he isn't in my life. Impossible and painful.

Tears though, seem to come only once a week, if that.

God, I must sound like a broken record.

Anyway, last night at the wedding it was beautiful. I had a great time. It only got hard once - the sound of Stevie Wonder singing "Overjoyed" during dinner reminded me of driving to Atlantic City, him singing along to Stevie's greatest hits as we drove. He has a great singing voice. Pretty much all of Stevie Wonder can sucker-punch me and make me tear up at anytime.

Honestly, that's how it feels. I feel like someone has punched my gut and the breath is taken out of my body for a drawn out moment, and replaced by pain.

So I teared up as I moved the chicken, uneaten, around my plate. I just couldn't help it.

He was also supposed to go to this wedding with me.

Most of the night, I smiled and danced to keep the frown and the formidable tears away.

Today, I keep hearing the song from Rent, "Seasons of Love." They're really plugging the movie on tv, and everytime I hear it, I am taken back to our day in NYC, and the moment when the characters sang that song and I sat there, next to him, and when the woman hit an unbelievable note in the song it moved me to tears and gave me chills - I felt overwhelming emotion for that first NYC play experience, and that love I thought existed between us.

Anyway.

I've done some great things for myself this week, though!

I have started to do my eye makeup again.

I got my nails done yesterday.

Best of all, I ran a 10K last Sunday and it felt amazing. It was my longest race yet and I finished in 68:02. I walked around wearing a perma-grin all day after that race.

Oh well. I am hoping soon to have something unselfish to say, something more deep than "my heart is broken but I am healing," but right now, this is who I am!

I'm your Venus...I'm your fire...

2005-11-01T21:11:00.000-08:00

Venus, goddess of love, walked into the party in a flowing white velvet dress, scrunched above her knees in the front, sleeveless at her arms with tulle brushing her right upper arm as she entered.

Her blue eyes were highlighted by the pale gold shadow and glitter, the exaggerated eyelashes adorned by gold, irridescent beads. Her smile sparkled with glitter as well.

On her arm, along with the bangle bracelets, was a pink leather handbag, two hearts on the front. Inside lay a pile of "love," different flavored jawbreakers in the shape of hearts.

This was not a woman whose heart had been broken just the week before. Yes, she ached, but she walked with confidence and a smile and carried inside her soul a healthy dose of self-love to keep her fragile heart hopeful.

Venus was my Halloween party alter ego and boy, did she live up to her name!

Venus started out drinking some vodka-laced punch. Shared a shot with friends. Tackled beer pong - quite unsuccessfully.

Somewhere along the line, Venus, goddess of love, was in company with the likes of Dionysus (or however you spell his name!)

In other words, I got really drunk.

In the end, I woke up Sunday morning in a pile of my own vomit, wondering how the hell I'd gotten to Cat's house, why I was in my swooshie pants and shirt, but still in my costume. Gone was the goddess of love. Her eyelashes had been, I suppose ripped off the night before.

I bore a huge bruise on my upper left thigh and my knee didn't feel that great.

I quickly got up and rinsed my hair in the sink, wiped the puke off the couch I'd slept on upstairs (thank GOD it was their spare!) gathered my things, and drove home to a day of absolute hangover agony.

Punctuated by fear. What the hell had I done last night? Why couldn't I remember what I did?

Man, I just can NOT tolerate alcohol like I could when I was a "kid" (or shall I say, 24?)

It wasn't until about 6 p.m. that I finally called Cat, ready to grovel and offer to have that couch professionally cleaned.

"Hey," she said, drawing it out. "How ARE you?"

"GROAN GROAN GROAN," I noised. I explained to her that I think I threw up on her couch and she said yes, and laughed at me, and I proceeded to tell her I had NO idea what happened at the end of the night.

"Yeah, and I think you threw up in our sink, too. And did you wear a red shirt? Because there was a red shirt with puke on it in the trash. You left little presents for us everywhere."

Groan groan groan, again.

But, she assured me, I was a happy, delightful and entertaining drunk. Another overnight guest asked me a question to whihc I responded by throwing my arms up in goal post position and shouted, "TOUCHDOWN!" I was a little bothered that I didn't remember how I got home, etc., or that I'd tripped up the steps (hence the big fat bruise and pained knee) and laid there, crying, until I finally went up and laid on the couch.

But oh, there was more!

"You hooked up with Space Ghost," Cat said. Silence greeted her. "You don't remember?"

This was when I started to cry.

I hooked up with someone, and I DO NOT REMEMBER IT.

I soon stopped crying. Space Ghost was this cute guy in, yes, a Space Ghost costume.

"I hooked up with Space Ghost?!"

"Yeah," she said, laughing again.

Finally, I lightened up.

"Ha, hey, he was single, right?" I don't know what made me ask. I think I wanted to find out if he'd gotten my number. He was cute.

"No, he's in a committed relationship of about 8 years."

*screeching tires, halt to stop*

Say WHAT?

Before you start calling me a homewrecker, I didn't know. And I was horrified to find out. Cat says I told them in the car on the way home that he told me AFTER we'd hooked up that he was in a relationship. I would never have kissed someone who belonged to someone else. And Cat assured me that hey, he wasn't exactly innocent in all of it.

It's just that I know how it feels to have someone kiss your man.

Anyway. So that was my Saturday night.

Singlehood has opened up her big, frantically gesturing arms and let me try to find my way in among the craziness.

Which is good.

Healing is a slow and manipulative process. Just when I think I've got it, something yanks me back into the doldrums.

I cried a little bit on Friday night, when I got home from grocery shopping. But crying is not an everyday occurrence anymore.

I am having trouble sleeping at night. But even though I didn't sleep well last night, today was actually the first morning I woke up WITHOUT the gnawing in the pit of my stomach and the first thought that Kurt is gone. And I got up and sat there, and realized my soul didn't hurt as bad and it cheered me.

Of course, I'm in spinning class tonight and I hear a song that reminds me of Kurt and I damn near burst into tears.

I'm definitely caught in between heartbroken and mended heart.

One day at a time, right?!

Happy Belated Halloween, everyone.

Thank you!

2005-10-31T12:36:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to say a quick thank you to those of you who have sent me well-wishes concerning my last post!

I'm doing well, I've got stories to tell.

Still heart broken, but doin' ok.

A time to grieve

2005-10-22T19:01:00.000-07:00

I re-read some of my old posts, from the first month of my relationship with MN. I was so full of hope and excitement. And I was at the height of singlehood. The last part of this post, I need to keep reading that, about how great it felt at that time to be single, and how exciting it was to date.

MN came over to my house around 3:30-4 p.m. today. We talked, bs'd for a little while. I began to hope maybe it wasn't over.

Then we started talking about us, and the end. "So talk to me," he said. "No, why don't you start off and explain to me what's happening."

What he told me hurt, but I was prepared for the possiblity. While my feelings were progressing, his weren't. Sunday and the amusement park, for him, was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.

He also admitted that the part of him that kept me at arm's length, to protect his heart, might have protected his heart too well.

He was honest with me. We were honest.

The whole thing makes me so much sadder that I can't hate him, I wonder if it would be better if I could hate him.

But I can't, and the way we left things, the kind, perfect way things ended just reminds me of why I had such feelings for him all along.

We hugged tight before he left and he kissed me on top of my forehead. We stood there, staring at each other. He started telling me about being friends, blah blah blah and I told him no, I don't think so. He admitted he didn't know what else to say.

He wiped the tears from my face and he stared into my eyes. And as he walked out the door, I felt him take a piece of me with him.

I watched from my patio door as he walked to his car, put it into reverse, and drove away, for the last time.

I feel like I just lost my best friend. I'm crying right now, I'm sobbing but I know it's ok to grieve, I know I have to do this. I know it's ok to feel like this and cry and get it out and mourn.

I just feel so helpless, and vulnerable, and shattered. I don't know what to do with myself, except cry and feel my heart, straining.

The benefits of love outweigh the risks. There are no guarantees in life. I know, I know.

And I know I will be ok. I know I will move on. But right now, my entire life as I have known it for the last several months, has been cut off from me. My battery, the man I recharged with, is gone.

No more softenly spoken, "goodnight, sweetie," after two hour + phone conversations.

No more falling asleep, tucked into each other so close that we sweat, content.

No more "stupid...!"

No more 6:15 p.m. text messaging sessions, as he rides the train to work.

No more football Sundays.

No more staying overnight in his bed, and waking up to hear his brother's latest, crazy dating story.

No more holding his hand.

No more of him tickling me, torturing me.

No more showers.

No more SOS.

No more Chinese food feasts, or trips to the buffet.

No more crazy worrying over his friendship with his second ex wife.

No more Sunday morning diner breakfasts with French toast and Karen.

No more Piggin, Angelo and Baby.

No more jazz music as we lay, cuddled.

No more hearing him sing in the car, perfectly in tune with the radio.

No more "evil bastard."

No more Riccardo's.

No more male nurse.

His name, by the way.

It was Kurt.

Let the sad love songs play

2005-10-21T09:21:00.000-07:00

My head hurts. My sinuses are swollen and ache. My eyes are puffy. My stomach is empty and angry and threatens to spill the nothing inside of it at any moment.

Ah, the joys of having broken up with someone you love, less than 24 hours ago.

MN and I are over.

I had just picked up my new eyeglasses and left the store and sat in the car as we talked, and ended our 7-month relationship.

That I thought was perfect.

But apparently, my anxiety about getting on roller coasters didn't agree with him.

WOW.

I went on all the roller coasters in the park, except three. One was closed. The other two I got freaked out. True. On the one, we stood in line and for 20 minutes, he didn't say anything to me because he could tell I was getting upset and anxious. I didn't go on the ride. With the second ride, I freaked out again and I guess that's what did it for him.

Did I mention I went on EVERY OTHER coaster in the park.

And what a shitty, cope-out excuse that is?

Basically, he said he liked that he never had to fix anything about me, but wiht this, he felt like he wanted to help me, but he couldn't and it was frustrating, and I guess he got upset that I didn't experience the rides with him, blah blah blah. And he doesn't know how to handle my anxiety, although mind you, he's only had to handle it twice in seven months, first wiht the small plane ride we went on with his father (after which he was comforting and sweet) and the roller coasters this weekend (which apparently made him want to run).

I told him, good luck finding the perfect woman who has no issues. GOOD LUCK.

My god, if a little scaredy cat-ness about roller coasters is my biggest flaw, and I conquer my plane fears ALL THE TIME by going on planes ALL THE TIME, then hey, I'm pretty damn NEAR the perfect woman, because I could be a hell of a lot worse off, right?!

Wow. Anyway. So when we broke up I was sitting on my phone in the parking lot of my eyeglass store and he was on the train to work. So I called him before I went to bed and said I felt unresolved about the whole thing and I want to see him and end it. It's not fair how it happened, but I don't blame him for it because I wanted to know what was up.

Obviously, the roller coaster anxiety is NOT the real reason, it was the icing on the cake. Perhaps he did not feel for me how I felt for him. Perhaps, being that he has failed at two marriages and numerous relationships, it's his fear of committment and the fact that we were perfect, we really were, until this weekend. Until Sunday. That day in New York...I mean, how do you throw what we had away? We were best friends, we were lovers.

Not that I think I'm not to blame in the least, but something is not right with him, I think he has committment issues.

I guess this is where all the naysayers (friends and family who didn't support me dating a 36-year-old divorce with three kids) go, "told you so!"

So. I'm back on the market. I'm going to have my little mourning period but I know my worth. And there's a man out there who will, too, someday. And perhaps, I'll have some fun in the meantime, finding him.

(But right now, on the verge of tears that just sounds so unfair :( )

:(

2005-10-20T08:06:00.000-07:00

Oh, guys. I WISH I was overreacting.

But I talked to him last night and I KNOW now that something is certainly wrong. But I don't know what. He's acting distant, kind of weird. And I feel so helpless.

I went to bed with a gnawing in the pit of my stomach and I woke up with it. And it's still there.

So I called him this morning and left a message, begging him to call me and tell me what the hell is going on because I hate feeling this way and I need to know if it's us, me or just something he's going through.

I hope he calls soon. I feel like I'm growing tons of ulcers in my tummy :(

My heart is beating fast.

2005-10-19T08:23:00.000-07:00

This is one of those posts that I'll post, and then take down after things are resolved.

I feel in my gut that something is going on with me and MN and I don't know if it's me being paranoid and going through my every-two-months-I-think-something-is-wrong-with-us or if it's real.

All I know is, we spent Saturday evening until Monday morning together and there were no, uh, extracurricular activities.

And I felt like something was wrong. What man is too tired?

I asked him about it, tearfully asked him about it, Monday morning and he told me that we're fine, that nothing has changed.

So why are his text messages not as lovey or why did he cut our conversations short the last two nights?

I didn't even get the customary "Smooches" sign-off last night when he said his stop was coming up on the train and he'd talk to me later.

I'm assume I'll talk to him tonight but I have this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that he's going to be at my door when I get home from work and it's not going to be good. But he's never done that so I could be crazy.

AH. Love is so unpredictable.

I'm scared.

I'm gonna get there, I swear!

2005-10-18T07:13:00.000-07:00

An update on MN’s crazy bit of luck winning that truck!

He’s going to sign the paperwork this Friday. He’s going to sell the truck back to the dealer, and he’ll get a sum of money. Of course, he’s going to have to pay taxes on it, so he probably won’t see as much as the whole sum, but uh, that kind of money is better than NO money LOL

I’m very excited for my MN!

So the other day, I stepped on the scale and saw a number I just couldn’t live with anymore.

I’ve reached a sort of second wind in my weight loss efforts. I’m no longer willing to stay where I’m at, content with being overweight only because I’m not obese, like I used to be.

(For those of you just tuning in, I went from 204 lbs. to my current 165 lbs., since last summer)

So I decided I need to recommit myself to losing the last of the weight. I have been too willing to stay where I’m at, vacillating between 162 lbs. and 166 lbs., since last winter.

It’s time to get to 145 lbs.

My ultimate goal is this: to run the Philly marathon without the extra 20 lbs. of baggage I’m carrying around right now.

I used to weigh myself every Monday and write a little something on my blog about it, and write something I gained for every pound I lost. I’m recommitting myself to that.

Last night I got the wild hair up my butt to do some cross training so I did the elliptical for 20 minutes, then I did my abs, and some resistance work on my arms. Then I went and did 20 minutes at a fast pace on the upright stationery bike. I walked a lap around the track and headed home. I felt great.

Tonight, I’m going to try and jog/run for 60 minutes. I have my first 10K in just three weeks, which is about 6.2 miles. I am a serious slacker – I only ran 2.5 miles for the entire week last week! My goal is to run 10 miles this week. I want to finish the 10K in less than 70 minutes, with consistent 10 minute miles being the main goal!

But hey, just finishing it would be SUPER!

Anyway. That’s my thoughts for the day. If I seem consumed by my own fitness, it’s because I am.

Holy crap!

2005-10-15T09:03:00.000-07:00

*we interrupt this post to bring you breaking news: MN JUST WON A TRUCK!!!! OH MY GOSH! How crazy is that? He won it in a promotoinal giveaway! We were at the bar one night, and we all filled out forms to win it, and he won at the bar that night, then he was entered into a larger drawing, and HE WON THE TRUCK!

*I now return you to what was my normally written post, not as exciting as my boyfriend winning a truck though:

The folks over at Sprint made my weekend.

I called up customer service Wednesday, and they hooked me up with a new phone to replace the one that had an integral plastic piece break off. It arrived by UPS yesterday!

I just finished downloading my "Halloween" ringer to my phone and punching in all my phonebook numbers.

Only bummer was that all my picture IDs will have to be retaken. The photos in my old phone don't translate to the new one.

I could have had the store do a data transfer on the phonebook, but it took me less time to replug everything in than it would take them to do the transfer.

Anyway. If you are looking for phone service, and you are on the fence, go to Sprint.

I ran about 2.5 miles this morning. I hadn't run in about 7 or 8 days. I decided against doing a 5K this morning, which was wise. I will have plenty of time this week to catch up on my running routine. And get prepped for my first 10K in a couple weeks!

And I can't let these 4 lbs. I put on the last few weeks get me down - especially when I remind myself that last summer, my BMI label was "obese." And that isn't the case anymore.

So I pick up where I left off and I keep going. Isn't that what it's all about? A lifetime of struggle?

Meeting up with Cat and her matron of honor, Debbie, at KOP Mall. I'm not hoping to buy anything in particular, I don't need anything. I have to keep in mind that I've got a new pair of glasses, a six month supply of contact lenses, and new lenses for my sunglasses coming this week and that's going to cost me about $400.

Oh - did I mention my new glasses? Yay! I'm so excited to get them that I may have to post a pic of me in them when I get them. The frames are those thick black plastic ones? They make me look all "librarian seductress" like! I can't wait. I have not been this excited to wear glasses, ever.

The eyeglass man, whom I love, he's absolutely one of the friendliest guys I've ever met, put them on me at the last second before I ordered my lenses for my OLD frames and when I looked in the mirror he said, "you look very journalistic!" Ha! I was sold the second the glasses were on my face, anyway. But he was write. I look all reporterly with them on.

Of course, the eye doc, before I had my fun try-on session with the eyeglass man, gave me the ring-a-ma-role. "You are the perfect candidate for laser eye surgery, blah blah blah." Um, yes. Then he starts trying to freak me out, telling me all the bad things that can happen to contact wearers. I know all this. But he goes on... he tells me about this teen, who went to bed and woke up the next morning, blind.

*sigh*

My eye doc also wanted me to go off my cholesterol med - he's not even a pcp, he's an EYE DOC! And take herbal/homeopathic remedies. As if I hadn't explored those options with my pcp?

When I was in D.C., I stopped in a Gap. I bought a pair of $20 jeans. Ankle length. PERFECT length. And I ask, why hadn't I ever tried these on before?!

Tonight I see my MN for the first time in two weeks. Dinner plans. Tomorrow, we're going to an amusement park! YIPPEEE! I'm going to ride Nitro. I'm gonna do it. I'm going to put my fearrs aside and DO IT! Kingda Ka, I can't make promises on that one.

Happy rest of the weekend, all!

It's not just a knockoff life

2005-10-13T11:42:00.000-07:00

It's a busy life!

I was away for five days, for work. And boy, did I work. Work from early am until 6 p.m., then out to dinner with work people or "clients." For those who have done it, it can be draining to work all day and entertain after until bedtime.

I came home Tuesday around 9 p.m. and yesterday went back to the office. More work. Right from work to the gym for my tone and stretch class. Right from class to my running club meeting. There until 10 p.m. Scored a freelance assignment for November through club connections. Home, bed.

Up today, work. Right from work to home to do my homework for my class at 6:30 p.m. Class til 9 p.m. - TORTUROUS class.

When, pray tell, will it all end? Tomorrow will be the end of a 12-day straight work week.

To top it off, I have not run in 6 days. I need to run. I feel like my middle has a tire, from the 4 freaking pounds I've gained recently. I feel like a heffalump :( I can't wait to run - but probably not tonight cause of stupid class.

I did, however, send in my registration for my first 10K race in November. So I better make time for it, even if it means getting up the arse crack of dawn.

My post isn't meant to complain. Being busy is better than not, I suppose. It means I'm productive. The end result is just that I'm worn out.

Well, i was just checking in. Happy almost Friday, folks!

Spam... A LOT

2005-10-04T06:41:00.000-07:00

I have a new appreciation for spam - the kind that comes in a can, not my comment box!

How do you measure your life?

2005-09-28T06:33:00.001-07:00

I measure my life in love.

Of course, this is just my cheesy way of saying that I saw "Rent" on Friday!

MN gave me the nicest surprise that completely absolved him for his mistake of not getting me anything for my birthday. This, apparently, was a belated birthday surprise. And well worth the wait!

I brought bagels to MN's house Friday morning, prepared to hear all about our day's activities.

"Soooo," I said to him as we unwrapped our food. "What are we doing today?"

Silence. "I'm not tellin' you nuthin!" he said, around his bagel sandwich.

*sigh*

Soon, we were on our way, in the car.

"Soooo," I said, as we set out on the major highway. "Where are we going?"

"Shuuuut uuuuup," he said, in that exasperated joking around way I love so much.

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet?!" I thought maybe if I annoyed him it might help.

He just laughed at me.

We pull into the state transit train station.

By now I have it figured out. We're going to NYC. He buys two round trip tickets to Penn Station.

We're on the train. We hold hands and talk.

"Soooo," I said. "What are we doing today?"

"Can't you just wait and enjoy the surprise?" He asks, teasing me.

"Well, yeah," I said. "But it's more fun to try and annoy you and guess!"

Finally, we arrive in NYC. We get off the train and we walk out into Madison Square Garden.

"Are you afraid someone's going to kidnap you?" He asks me. "YOu've got a death grip on my hand!"

I look at our linked digits. It's true. That first step out into the city is overwhelming. The crowds of people, the loud noises of traffic, talking, music and the tall buildings and bright colors... my senses get overloaded.

I laughed back at him and loosened my grip.

Suddenly, we're walking and he pulls me into Macy's.

"You brought me all the way to NYC to bring me to the Macy's Men's Store?" I ask, reading the sign above the revolving door.

"Yeah," he said laughing, sarcastic.

We pit stop at the bathrooms and exit the store on the other side.

We're heading into Times Square.

A bus drives by and our faces and bodies are assaulted with finely granulated soot, which smears on our faces when we try to wipe it off.

Finally, we are in front of the theater box office and I'm suspecting that we're going to see a play.

There is a table with dozens of fliers announcing all the on and off Broadway productions. MN points at it, and says, "Choose one!"

I chose Rent.

We got in line at about 1:30p.m., MN is leaning over the metal barrier corraling us in line, and I am sitting on the square, unrolling my knee highs and putting Band-Aids over my new blisters on my burgeoning bunions.

"I told you to wear comfortable shoes," he says, laughing at me.

"I'm not complaining!" I replied. "I did wear comfy shoes!"

Ok, this was a little lie. I wore shoes that were really cute that I'd never worn before but felt comfortable when I walked around the house in them.

MN is back to leaning on the barrier.

"Wow," a man approaches MN. "You look so posed! Can I take your picture?"

My bullshit radar bleeps on in my head and I watch the exchange between this man and my MN like a hawk.

He wants to interview MN and take his pic for the theater box office's newsletter.

MN agrees. He tells the man, who turns out to be the director of communications for the theater group, that his parents took him to shows all throughout his childhood, and he wanted to take his girlfriend to see her first show.

That's me, down there on the square, finishing up bandaging the last of my blisters!!!

The man finishes interviewing MN and takes the photo, showing it to me for final approval. I give the thumbs up.

"Come with me," the man said.

I watched MN walk down the line to the front of the box office. The guy disappears inside.

Suddenly, MN is telling me to come out of line. Turns out, the man went in and let MN buy our tickets as a thank you for the interview!

The show started at 8 p.m., so we had the afternoon to walk around and enjoy the sites; St. Patrick's Cathedral, Rockefeller Center, the diamond district, Saks, and a wonderful dinner at a little hole-in-the-wall place that was run by a French couple with the best steak, ever.

Finally, we arrived at the show.

Stepping inside was nothing like what I thought it would be like. It was not a grand lobby. It was kind of dark and small.

We went up the stairs to our mezzanine seats and I looked around in awe. The theater looked like a work in progress, a renovation underway that put an intimacy on the experience I never imagined.

People were walking around with glasses of wine and boxes of juju fruits, class and comfort.

The show started and I was enthralled. The singing voices of these men and women - it blew me away!

I even recognized this woman from the show "Third Watch."

When the play was done, I was overcome with emotion. It wasn't just the play, which was amazing. It was the experience.

We took the train home and were asleep as soon as our weary heads hit the pillow.

It was the perfect surprise day!

Oooo...you dirty girl!!

2005-09-22T07:51:00.000-07:00

Lesson of the day: If you have the chance to shower and be sparkling clean, TAKE IT!

Tuesday night, after the speed work, I was a sweaty, smelly mess. I got in the shower and used these free samples of scrub that I had received. I lathered on in-shower conditioner and moisturized my skin. I washed my hair. It was a great shower, if such mundane things can be great!

I let my hair air-dry. By the time I went to bed, I was sporting the mismatched waves that happen when I don’t control my tresses with the hairdryer.

But no problem! I will survive!

In the morning, I looked in the mirror.

“Grunt,” I went. I grabbed my brush and hair dryer and set to making the waves and bed-head straight.

Hmmm, I wonder. What’s this coming out of my hair dryer? Is that SMOKE?

Oh yes. I quickly shut the door and turned on the fan – the smoke detector is right outside my bathroom door.

I put my locks in an up do, strapped a shower cap on and got in the tub for a quick, not-as-great-as-the-night-before shower.

Last night, I went to tone and stretch class at the gym, still in my up-do.

I learned last night that it is impossible to sweat when you have a ginormous industrial-sized fan, right next to you, blowing you off your stepper. My hair was coming loose and sticking to my fading lip-gloss.

Every time we reached for the sky (“stretch it out ladies, really reach!”), my shirt blew up. Thank god when I stretch like that, it flattens my tummy!

Needless to say, I got done and I hadn’t cracked a sweat. Showering became low on the list of priorities as I went home, ate a bowl of Frankenberry cereal (two for $5 at ShopRite. God Bless America), wrote the media advisory due for class tonight, and called my mom. Then I talked to MN. Some stuff is going on with him and I talked to him for a long time.

Shower? Who wants to shower now, when they aren’t THAT dirty, and a little grease’ll do my hair good, right?! Combine the grease with the non-hair dryering and man, I’m a picture of perfect hair health. I’m headed to a great hair day tomorrow, I thought.

So I went to bed. I’ll wash the sheets tomorrow, I say to myself as I go to bed, dirty.

I wake up this morning after I’d woken up around 3 a.m. totally freaking out about money, so I didn’t sleep so well.

I just really want to shower.

I go into the morning knowing I have a busted hair dryer. So I have to go out the door to work with a wet head, and face the crazy waves. I planned on packing a hair tie with me so I could put it back and deal with it.

I laid in bed and kept hitting snooze. After all, the hairdryer fritz has actually shortened my getting-ready-for-work time!

Finally, I lift myself out of bed and touch my hair. Goo! I can’t wait to wash it, I say to myself. And I’m going to use some of that in-shower conditioner on my skin. Yay! Morning shower!!!

I get naked and I turn the hot water knob.

GURGLE GLUCK GLUCK GLUCK GURGLE

Nothing.

I turned the cold-water knob.

Hsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. GLUCK

Nothing.

Are you kidding me?!

I try the sink. Miniature gurgles and glucks and hissing.

I have no water, at all.

I call the emergency maintenance number.

“Hi, I have no water.”

“Nobody else does either. There’s a water main break in the township.”

“Oh.” I never had this happen to me before. I was kind of silent.

“It will probably be a day or so before it’s fixed, ok?” The lady said. She sounded like she’d been explaining this a lot.

“Uh, Ok. Thanks.”

I throw an imitation Coach hat on my head after make shifting cleaning and dousing myself in perfume and deodorant and head to work. Miserable.

I decided to call the township.

And guess what?

There’s no water main break!

Needless to say. I’m pissed. And dirty. And greasy.

*sigh*

The good news: I have off tomorrow and MN has a surprise planned for me! Hopefully, if my water isn’t on, he’ll have a shower for me, too :)

Run, Forest!

2005-09-21T08:16:00.000-07:00

I did my first 4 x 400m last night.

(No, that isn’t short for “four men by 400 minutes”)

I had my little cheap stop watch-watch on (I *heart* Target!!), and my finger was poised on the start/stop button. I looked at my new friend, a guy from my running club, who told me I could go ahead, that he was going to start after me. (Compared to him, he’s all normal-paced, I look like a runner in slow-mo!)

So I hit the button and took off.

I rounded the first bend, ran up the first straightaway. Rounded the second bend and decided, hmm. This kind of sucks!

I started out too fast from the gate. My body suddenly felt like a load of bricks running around like a deer that got spooked.

Somehow, with a slightly slower pace, I ran down the final straightaway and over the finish line. 1:57-minute lap. Not bad, but my goal was 2:15.

I took a couple sips of my “vitamin-enriched” water and took a walk around the track. I started to jog a bit and into the second lap in between sprints.

My friend, we’ll call him RunnerMan, was like speedracer. I wanted to shout out, "Run, Forest, RUN!"

He started giving me all types of tips after watching me run.

“You need to shorten your stride.” “Pick your knees up like you’re stomping bugs.” “Lift your head up and straighten your back when you run. You’ll increase your lung capacity.” “Heel to toe, heel to toe.”

He was also very supportive in his comments, telling me when my stride looked good.

So I found myself listening and trying to do the things he suggested and it actually took my mind off the fact that in the end, I actually ran 4 miles. It didn’t feel like I did. I’ve also been regularly doing 4 to 5 miles every time I go for a run. Only once a week I allow myself a 3-mile or less run. I may not be marathon training for now, but I still want my mileage to go up!

Anyway. The lung capacity suggestion was a good one but the lift your knees and the stomping of the bugs? Hmm. I felt a little bit like the band geeks in the middle of the field inside the track. They were fumbling with their instruments and trying not to f- up their marching. Entertainment while we ran.

I tried it another time but all I could see was the exorcism chick from that new movie – the part where she’s eating crunchy bugs against the wall while hail mary-ing it? That made me giggle a lil bit.

So anyway. I did the one, 1:57, then it was a 2:13, then two 2:11 laps. I did two laps of walking and light jogging in between speed laps. I doubt this one workout will help me Saturday at my first 5K in months, but I’m still shooting for a sub-30 5K!!

Anyway. Tonight is tone and stretch class at the gym. Last week my abs and muscles hurt for days. Ah, sweet pain!!!

I called MN and we chatted until my most favorite show ever came on (nip/tuck) and he has something planned for us for Friday, when I take off of work. I am dying to try to figure it all out.

Here’s what I know so far:

I have to be at his house at 10 :30 a.m. But originally, I was going to have to stay overnight, but it doesn’t work out that way anymore (????!!!)

There are rules. I’m not likely going to have a problem with them, he says.

I need to dress nice. Wear “slacks and a blouse,” he says.

Oh, and comfortable shoes.

And I’m going to want to thank him A LOT after the surprise.

So what does this all add up to, I wonder!? I thought maybe he was going to take me to a Broadway show in NYC, but there are no afternoon matinee type deals on Fridays up there. So now I’ve got no idea. I kind of like it!

Oh the suspense!!!!!!

Thoughts

2005-09-02T07:57:00.000-07:00

I thought getting 9 hours of sleep last night would translate into a new, refreshed, just-coming-off-a-crazy-week Knockoff girl.

Instead, I woke up with a killer headache. :(

No worries. I downed some Excederin migraine and I'm feeling better.

Walked to work this morning. I'm pissed off at gas prices, but then, who isn't? Why beat a dead horse?

My car spent a couple days in the shop. She's ok. Needed a tuneup. I'm such a girl about such things. Same old spark plugs as when I bought her, apparently. So that set me back almost $300 later. Lupa still runs like she's almost 5 years old. What did I expect?

I spent last night huddled on my couch, my knees to my chest and my blanket in my hands, which also held my sleeves, clutched to my mouth, crying at the television screen. I love New Orleans, and I am so sad. My heart aches for the people of the city who couldn't get out. For the dead people I've seen in pictures and on the news.

I was supposed to go there for a biz trip in three weeks but obviously, that's not going to happen. I am glad I got to go when I did, and I am glad I spent the extra four or five days and saw and did all that I did. The city will never be the same.

On tv I saw the Walgreens that I went to to pick up my emergency prescriptions, flooded, with looters going in and out. I saw the convention center, with all the displaced residents hanging around and in it, the dead bodies on medians that I had crossed, and remember staring out of my swanky Hampton Inn suite, looking at the convention center sign and feeling excited about my work there and my vacation at the end of the week.

Can they really make a new Cafe DuMonde that will be just like the old one? Can they really "replicate" the history and the voodoo and the sometimes sleezy feel of the city?

So anyway, my conference was shifted to December and to another city.

This week has been a little nutty with work and my car. I was only able to work out Monday, after work. IIt was a poor excuse for a run and I can't wait to go for a run tonight. After work, I'm being irresponsible (well, is it really, when I desperately need clothes?) and buying clothes for work.

It's incredibly slow to type a post directly into the blogger template, so I'm going to stop this now, it's highly annoying to be typing and every two seconds, it stops and then all that you've typed suddenly catches up.

Have a great weekend!!!

Good idea/bad idea

2005-08-26T14:37:00.000-07:00

Bad activity of the day: McDonald's cheeseburger, medium French fries and small vanilla milkshake.
Awesome activity of the day: Ran 5.25 miles/55 minutes

Bad moment of the day: the smell of trash hitting me when I walked into my kitchen. *ew* (no worries, I took it out!)
Best moment of the day: source called to say thank you for my "wonderful" story on a library.

Looking forward to: heading down to Atlantic City in a couple hours for a girl's weekend!
Dreading: the wait until we leave!

Feeling: hungry, tired after my run
Wish I felt: hungry, re-energized after my run

Something new: Finished a loop around my favorite river in a personal best time
Same old: shin splints acted up on Thursday

Guilty pleasure: Mister Softee on Thursday
Guilty: Mo dairy, mo dairy, ice cream and cheese, all week long. Can't. Get. Enough.

Best mail: Sephora catalogue
Worst mail: bills, bills bills

This week has been like this - full of busy moments, both good and bad. I take them together, then I separate them and look at the highlights and decide, it wasn't such a bad week.

Just busy!

First it was the iPod

2005-08-25T13:54:00.000-07:00

Now I've discovered Windows media radio. OH MY GOSH

Everyone, c'mon get happy!

2005-08-23T12:48:00.000-07:00

There’s too much to write a solid post, so I’ll be random.

I was spotted running down the highway yesterday by a friend. “You were hauling ass like a hellhound was on your trail,” he said in an email.

My poor car. It’s not her transmission, it’s her motor. She’s very sick. But if the repairs are too expensive I’m going to be pissed. I won’t know until next week, when she goes in for her appointment.

In the mean time, my goal is to live and tool around in the car as safely as I can, since she already broke down on me once, yesterday.

I’d love to buy a new car.

But I just heard my savings account laughing at me.

I spent my Sunday relaxin’ and gettin’ my lazy on.

I was supposed to run 7 miles but instead, I only did walking – to the car, into the diner, back to the car, into the apartment. Oh, and then we walked back to the car, to the Chinese restaurant and back to the car and back to the apartment for dinner.

That wasn’t 7 miles.

Mostly the day consisted of us lying around, cuddled, and watching bad reality television.

I finished my third story for that weekly I’m writing for while on my lunch break today. I’ve been able to help the editor out a bit and I’m having fun in the meantime. AND getting paid. Cool!

I feel very lucky that I have been able to do and make money doing the one thing that I have always wanted to do: write.

I may never be the best, or become a best selling novelist, or have a critically acclaimed column, but I write every day, and that is enough to make me happy!

Thank you!

2005-08-18T13:05:00.000-07:00

Dear Whoever is Overseeing My Life,

Sometimes, you like to toy with me and give me bad days, like the one where I had so much on my plate at work, and then you let my boss go and give me one more thing?

But this week, after that one bad day, you have given me many good days!

Don’t think this was overlooked!

For example, today I have received three compliments relating to three separate articles I have written! All within an hour, too!

“Knockoff – great article.” – the national expert I talked to yesterday.

“…marvelous article!” Another source said, about another story. “I am very impressed with the amount of information that she synthesized…Again my deepest thanks to Knockoff…”

And finally, a phone call to the editor of the weekly I’m stringing for, telling him that me and my first article in today’s paper were “awesome.”

Thank you, Whoever is Overseeing My Life. Sometimes, it’s nice to have the lemonade already made than to have to deal with the lemons first!

XOXO

Knockoff

SWEEEET!

2005-08-17T14:00:00.000-07:00

Getting that big interview with the big expert you have to talk to and catching him unknowingly the day before he goes on vacation: SWEEEET

Hearing your boss tell you that you don’t have to worry about that story you have been dreading writing for this month, (well, I don’t need to worry until next month): SWEEEET

Running 6 miles Monday and still feeling it in my muscles two days later: SWEEEET

Covering your first municipal meeting in two and a half years, on Tuesday night, and filing the story within 40 minutes and making an easy $30: SWEEEET

Pretty sure what you heard twice during the meeting was the competition reporter farting in the row behind you: SWEEEET

It’s hump day: SWEEEET

It’s 5 p.m.: SWEEEET

In the words of Ice Cube, today was a good day.

These are my confessions

2005-08-15T08:57:00.000-07:00

MooCow thinks I’m dating his state. I thought about that one, while trying to wake up enough to get some work done today…hmmm. What it would be like to date a state?

California is too fake. Florida is out; there are TOO MANY kids involved. New York is too much of a party-er while Vermont is too sweet. Unfortunately, I can’t speak to states like MN or Wyoming. I’ve got nothing against them, but know nothing about them. Now South and North Dakota, while it would be cool to date twins, I mean, does anyone KNOW anyone from these places???

So I decided if I were to date a state, I’d want to date Colorado. It’s good looking, with a mild temperate for the most part. Known for inclinations toward adventure and quiet nights by the fire.

However, MN stands for Male Nurse, so this problem of which state to date is negated - unless of course, I found myself alone again, naturally.

Confessions, confessions…

If I don’t have time or energy to do it in the morning, I put my make up on at home during lunch.

I don’t want to go back to my grad school classes in fall. At all. Ever.

I eat too many M and Ms.

I wish there were do-it-at-home kits where I could get rid of the fat pocket in my tummy area.

I haven’t written in my leather-bound journal in at least a month, probably the only reason I did was because I hadn’t written in it since May before that.

If I could afford it, I’d have a maid come in and clean my apartment.

I love doing laundry and going grocery shopping.

I’d like to go to my high school reunion in November. But I can’t. And that makes me disappointed.

I will purposely smile and say hi to people in the hallway who I know won’t usually even make eye contact to avoid pleasantries.

My mom and MN have not met. I admit, I’m afraid and I am not in a hurry to make it happen. I carry too many scars from my mom and I don’t want to show my weakest side.

I’m hungry. Time for lunch.

Bloggers can you spare me a... thought?

2005-08-10T08:04:00.000-07:00

Your mission, should you chose to accept it, is to raise $2,200.

*bug eyes*

Last night, I went to a TNT meeting. For those of you who don’t know what TNT is, click here. Basically, they provide you a coach, mentor and pay your way into your athletic event of choice, with the request that you raise a minimum amount of money for the charity.

No problem, the least I can do is send some donations your way!

But $2,200?! WOW. That seems like a lofty goal to me – requiring not just setting up my own website that people can donate through, but soliciting corporate sponsors, hosting events to raise money, etc.

During the Christmas season. While attending grad school and traveling a lot for business and being MOH in a wedding and attending another wedding and freelancing for a local weekly paper…

…And if I DON’T manage to raise all that money? Well, the charity will charge my credit card of my choice the remaining balance between what I did raise and what I was asked to raise.

*halting tires*

I know it sounds horribly selfish, but I don’t know that I have the time or money to conduct such aggressive fund raising.

But I really want to do it.

But I’m terrified.

But it would be so awesome to train with a group with the same marathon and mission in mind.

But I don’t have time.

But …

So you see my dilemma?

My question is, do you guys donate to people who send you emails asking for donations for events like this? Do you think if I advertised my efforts and directed people to my fundraising page on my blog that people would donate?

What, in essence, is your opinion of this? As either a former, current fundraiser or a person being asked for funds?

Not so wicked steps

2005-08-08T11:28:00.000-07:00

I was nervous Sunday morning, driving up the interstate to MN’s house.

I felt that my relationship with MN, as I’ve known it, was on the cusp of change. I wasn’t sure if I was strong enough for it.

I’ve known since night one of our five-month relationship that MN is a dad, to three. But suddenly Sunday morning, it was about to become an in-your-face reality as I walked into the house, down the hall into his bedroom and spotted his 8-year-old daughter on his bed, watching a cartoon movie.

“MN Child, say hello to Knockoff,” he told her, using real names of course :)

“Hi, knockoff,” she said, kind of shy.

“Hi, MN Child,” I said, waving and smiling. I put my bag containing a beach towel, bathing suit and change of clothes on the floor. I felt a bit awkward, and MN started getting MN Child together – getting out her bathing suit, etc. So I fiddled around in the living room, hit the bathroom like 20 times. Never drink iced coffee with nerves.

Eventually, we were all in the living room area, sitting on the hardwood floor with a small dollhouse. MN tried to put a little door back on one of the pieces of furniture, while I watched.

Finding the task hopeless without glue, MN stood up. “Well, I’m going to do what fathers do on Sundays.” He got up and planted himself on the couch, leaving MN Child and me to her dollhouse.

No one plays with her, she confided. I knew what she was hinting at but I let her go a minute until she finally got up the courage to say to me, “Will you play with me?” My heart warmed and I smiled.

For a half hour, we played with her dollhouse. Score one for the – what do you want to call me? Potential future stepmom? Stepgirlfriend? I have no clue.

We got to the barbecue – two hours early. MN had gotten the time wrong. So we hung out and MN Child went to play with his friend’s kid.

Eventually, the party got started and MN Child was in the pool, swimming around like a little fish and shouting out “Look at me!” or “WATCH THIS!” or “This one’s called the starfish!” and doing a funny little jump into the 8 foot end of the pool, off the diving board.

It wasn’t long before I was picking her up and throwing her in the pool, pushing her in, and pretending to let her dunk me under and tickle my feet. Well, I am ticklish :)

MN and I shared a moment in the pool where we were wrapped around one another and MN Child came to the edge of the pool, smiling.

“You guys are gonna make me puke!” she said, laughing and jumping back into the pool.

The morning had wore into the afternoon with excitement, and the afternoon wore into evening with exhaustion. At least on the adult’s end. Around 8:30 MN had to tell MN Child that she had to get out of the pool soon.

The adults sat down to watch a movie while the kids continued playing elsewhere. It was nice, to sit with my arm around MN’s arm, his leg draped over my lap.

The kids came down from playing dress up. MN got them something to eat and as the movie finished, MN Child snuggled up on my right side and I put my arm around her. “I’m cold,” she said, snuggling closer.

I can’t begin to express my different emotions but there were two that hit me hardest – I was touched deeply that this child bonded with me. I mean my heart just melted. Then I felt a twinge of guilt over the sadness her mom might feel, knowing her daughter was snuggled next to her ex-husband’s new lover. It’s how my mom must’ve felt, when I started to express that I actually liked my stepmom.

Suddenly, on that Sunday night, my relationship with MN was in the midst of change.

And I am ready for it.

Shoe crazy

2005-08-05T06:49:00.000-07:00

So I have been searching to buy these shoes.

With no luck.

Yes, they’re gaudy, but that’s why I love them! See, sometimes I just don’t mind sticking out like a circus clown.

I’ve sheltered my blog from my recent obsession with these shoes. It’s really only been this week.

But I’ve searched high and low. Like the clever girls in the shoe store commercials that are hunting their prey, I admit to having gone to four malls in my area (gotta love my state, I’m within 20 minutes of four malls) to find the shoes.

And I’ve come close! Seeing the object of my desire, holding her, touching her stiff, sequined shape! (I’m going for drama here)

But always, it’s, “we don’t have any in your size.” Or, “we don’t have the black multi.”

Rejected, time and time again.

But as you can see from the above link, I found the shoes on line. For purchase. In my size. Black multi. So I should jump on it, right?!

And yet, I hesitate in my passion.

My mom would know why: it’s not meant to be, these shoes and me. I should let sequined shoes lie.

Any other clichés I can twist around sequined shoes? Anyone?!

I made one last stop in my search before heading home last night. I stopped at Kohl’s. Which, I am learning, is an awesome place.

But no, no colorful conversation pieces for my feet there. I walked down the aisles and hunted through the clearance shelves.

Except wait, what is that over there? Ballet flats… sequins…

And ta-da! I walked out with these! They're not clownish… and they had my size! EUREKA! I have my shoes!

But confession, I finally made a decision concerning the fate of the original pair I lusted after.

In the process of writing this post, I ordered them. Sorry, mom!

Don’t mess with a woman on the hunt (during PMS week!) who desires a pair of shoes. She might just end up with two!

Firstly... and secondly...

2005-08-04T08:33:00.000-07:00

I’ve got two different snippets of my little knockoff life to post today.

First: I didn’t get the job.

But I am ok with that. While I want to move forward, this wasn’t the job for me anyway. It would have been technical and a bit depressing. So that’s ok.

Plus, my bosses are gung-ho for me movin’ up so they’re going to put me on an action plan to get me there.

Yay, bosses!

It’s good to have people managing you that believe in you.

Have I postured lately about how much I love my job? (Janet, if you’re reading this, I know, I’m like a different woman today).

I believe something better awaits me here, something more fitting for me!

I was a bit bummed yesterday, so it was nice that MN came over and he took me to dinner.

MN was supposed to work a freelance N gig but they cancelled him and I benefited *mwah mwah ha!*

We went back to my apartment and watched TV. I was disappointed he wanted to go home and didn’t stay over – the man didn’t even try to have his way with me. He had a stuffy nose and didn’t have his nose spray on him so he wanted to go home. But I suppose I’m overreacting by worrying.

(Who would I be if I didn’t worry? I wouldn’t know myself if I didn’t.)

One reason why I shouldn’t be worrying: after I’d spilled about the job, he told me to keep Sunday open. My appearance has been requested at his friend’s barbecue.

Not only am I meeting his friend, though.

I’m meeting MN’s daughter.

So the second little life going on in the Knockoff Life… is a big moment in relationship history. The most shocking rose ceremony – I mean ….

Tee – hee – hee.

I asked a girl at work; how do I act? Ok, I introduce myself. Someone asked me if I was going to buy her a little gift. No, I said. But then I wondered, should I? No, I decided. I shouldn’t.

She loves horses. So I figured, if things were weird, I could say, “your daddy’s told me lots about you…I hear you love horses!”

So my question to you is, any advice for a woman about to meet her boyfriend’s little girl for the first time? Anything I should avoid? Anything I should attempt?

I want to impress both the cutie pie 8-year-old and the man who adores her :)

She needs "10,000 Angels"

2005-07-27T07:11:00.000-07:00

In the late 1990s, I started getting into country music, at the insistence of a new, close friend.

Slowly, it stuck. It was like a whole new world opened up to me - heart-tugging ballads and kick-some-shit numbers.

A couple years later, around the time I was trying to resist the pull that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named (for those of you new to the blog, he’s the evil, dark ex) had on me, there was a song that stuck with me and I when I listened to it, it gave me goosebumps – and hope. Here are the lyrics:

Speaking of the devil
Look who just walked in
He knows just where to find me
Here we go again
I can tell he's gonna ask me to dance
But that's not as far as he wants to go
I need ten thousand angels to help me tell him no

Lead me not into temptation
Heaven help me to be strong
I can fight all that I'm feeling
But I can't do it alone
Help me break this spell that I'm under
Guide my feet and hold me tight
I need ten thousand angels watching over me tonight

It's time to face my weakness
Look him in the eye
Lord knows it won't be easy
But I've just gotta try
I can let myself get lost in his arms
That's how I got my heart broke before
I need ten thousand angels to walk me out the door

Lead me not into temptation
Heaven help me to be strong
I can fight all that I'm feeling
But I can't do it alone
Help me break this spell that I'm under
Guide my feet and hold me tight

I need ten thousand angels watching over me tonight
I need ten thousand angels watching over me tonight
Ten thousand angels, watching over me tonight
Ten thousand angels, watching over me tonight
Watching over me tonight...

Mindy McCready sang this song (“Ten Thousand Angels”) so poignantly that I felt emotion and relevance, every time I heard it. So you can imagine my surprise when I heard about this on the news last night.

This woman, to me, she was the picture of perfect feminine power by the words in her songs. In fact, two of her songs are in my “girl power” play list.

I never really thought about what happens to singers when they seemingly drop off the face of the earth after getting that one, big hit (hers was actually a ditty called “Guys Do It All the Time.”)

I thought maybe they went on with their lives, a la the members of NKOTB - was it Jonathan Knight that became a real estate agent?

Never did I imagine that such a picture of girl power could become the victim of abuse, and be accused of crimes relating to drug and alcohol abuse.

Here’s to your healthy and recovery, Miss McCready.

I think you might need those ten thousand angels!

A fear of flying, revealed!

2005-07-26T14:18:00.000-07:00

*note, I promise a lighter, funnier post in the near future, instead of ruminations of my romance and tales of anxiety and fear!*

Ever hear the pilot get on the announcement system and tell you all that you’re in for a bit of a bumpy ride, stay in your seat and make sure your seatbelts are buckled?

These announcements are the prelude to hell for me.

I hear the announcement and my hands feel prickly and sweaty. If I’m in sandals, the soles of my feet will sweat, too.

The first bump, if it’s not bad, will only cause me minor alarm. But consistent, bumpy turbulence sends me off my rocker. God forbid the plane feels like it’s dropped.

I grip the arms of the seat and at some point I hyperventilate. I look around wildly, for I can never remember focusing on one thing only. I speak without realizing I’m speaking, uttering things like “ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod,” over and over. “ohmygod no! Oh god pleasse!”

My heart races and I feel as if I am about to die, that no matter what I do, I have no control over a hopeless situation. I cannot stand to be inside of my body, and I almost wish I could die because the fear is so overwhelming.

My panic attacks are so uncontrolled that I disturb passengers around me, and I am all the more embarrassed. My tears of fear become near silent sobs of embarrassment, hopelessness and shame. And still, fear.

I am an aviophobe! This is from the girl who jet sets around the country for work and just received the great news – I’m now silver status on the miles program with my usual airline. Meaning, first class upgrades available to me, all the time. Woo hoo, right?!

My first thought: oh my god. So when the plane goes down, I’ll be closer to the nose in first class.

It’s not something I’ve always had. It’s been getting worse over the years. It’s come to its pinnacle the last few months. I had a panic attack on a flight home from New Orleans that caught the attention of passenger’s five rows up, who were passing back bags for me to breathe into. I was so humiliated, but unsure of how to turn it off. I feel as if I can not control the situation, or my emotions and reactions, either.

Sure, I want to seek help. But there’s one little catch. I’m afraid that if I seek help, that the first flight I’ll go on as a fearless woman will crash.

And that’s just one of the many little superstitions I have attached to flying. Some are embarrassing to admit. Like I have to bring this silly stuffed teddy bear I’ve had since birth on every flight I go on.

I must sit by the window seat, so I can look at the ground if I need to.

I’ve tried everything I could to think of what could cause this. Sure, I fear needles. But not like I fear dying in a plane crash. Sure, I fear roller coasters, but I have control over whether or not to go on those.

But flying is something I really need to do and have got to get over the fear I have. So the night I bought HP, I picked up this book about flying without fear.

It could be my overprotective mom’s fault. It could be that I witnessed the immediate aftermath of a plane crash – dead bodies and all.

But regardless, I decided that this week I have got to set up an appointment to see the doctor and get a referral to a good head doc who can help me overcome my fears.

Otherwise, how am I supposed to enjoy the better snack selection and free booze of first class???

Well, that went well!

2005-07-25T11:13:00.000-07:00

I took myself a vacation day from work and here I am, copying some of MN's cd's into my iPod. I've been reading HP and just relaxing. It's so nice!

Saturday I got to talk to my MN. I didn't rush into the conversation, I waited for the appropriate moment. Suddenly, when I saw him it did not seem that important of an issue. The time between the initial emotions I felt and Saturday night was perfect - I was able to tell him how I felt without crying, and the matter was not as concerning to me.

On meeting his children, he told me he wants me to meet his kids, when we're all ready, and he specifically didn't want to do it on his birthday because he doesn't want it centered around an event.

On marriage, it is a hard-sell to him, but he's not closed off to it. "I don't think I want to grow old alone," he said at one point.

I made sure I stressed to him that I was addressing the issues on a broader level. I wasn't asking him to rush me into his children's lives or say he whether he'd like to marry me. I may have concerns but I'm not crazed LOL

It was a good, short conversation. We communicate so well together and he never scoffs at my concerns, he addresses them with honesty and always tries to understand where I'm coming from. He knows his situation is complicated, and I really admire that he always addresses it with honesty.

That and he says to me after we finish talking, "I knew something was up. I knew something was bothering you that night but I let it go because we were on the phone."

I was surprised, because I'd tried to play the whole thing off. But he's in tune to me, and vice versa.

I finally feel connected to someone.

So we had a good night at the bar Saturday night, watching his brother's band. They cover some harder rock music. MN even got up to sing a song with them. The singers wife kept kissing me.

Sunday I spent money I shouldn't have! We went to Target and I picked up some exercise gear. I got two pairs of shorts and two sports bra tanks. I also got a pair of jeans, because the two pair of jeans I have are too baggy.

I was thrilled to discover the jeans were $24.99. Versus the $58 I paid the Gap earlier this year for the pair that's now too baggy and keeps slipping off my hips.

I went out for a run while he watched tv and ordered us some Chinese food. He timed it perfect - I was just finishing my 3.2 mile jaunt, entering the turning lane for my apartment complex, as he pulled into it. When I arrived in front of my building, he was standing there with a bag full of lo mein, happy family, kung po chix and shrimp, chinese pizza and white rice.

We ate and I nursed a tummy ache to bed (too much Chinese on an exercised stomach?!)

And so that's how it all went!

Going the distance

2005-07-22T16:50:00.000-07:00

I may have mentioned that I started training for a marathon!

This makes me happy and giddy and talkative :)

Last Friday night, I went to B&N to pick up my reserved HP book with my stepmom. We got there around 9:15 p.m.-ish, and I wandered around the store until midnight, touching book spines and reading jacket covers. Looking twice at woman in thick, HP glasses and children with capes and lightening bolt scars inked on their foreheads.

I picked up a book called "Flying without Fear," to try and overcome my aviophobia, and another book that is a marathon training guide.

I was so excited over the marathon book that I didn't even touch HP until late Monday night and am not even a third of the way through today!

That's what I'm doing with the rest of my Friday night, by the way, gots me a date with a certain 16-year-old wizard. And for the record, I think the kid who plays him in the movies is hot. If he were legal...

I read that marathon book all day Sunday, and started my training Monday. I know I have jumped the gun, that I technically don't have to start training until closer to the marathon (see the link to the marathon on the side bar!) but I wanted to get a head start considering the weekends I will have weddings/bachlorette parties (uh, pretty much the entire month of November and the beginning of December!) and possible sicknesses.

Galloway has you run for so many minutes, then take walk breaks for so many minutes. Since I've been a runner for a year now, I can run longer and find myself having to force the walk breaks! So I run 5 or 6 minutes, and walk 1. I think I sweat more!

I got up at 6 a.m. Monday morning for my first 30 minute venture. The weather was very soupy here that morning, but I felt great after the run. I love peeling off my clothes and seeing the evidence of my efforts in the sweat that drenches them. It makes me feel like I've accomplished something. Then I quickly jump in the shower. ICK!

It was the first time I ever tried working out in the morning and I absolutely loved it. I felt great all day Monday.

So I got up Tuesday, and I went to the gym for some cross training. 30 minutes on the elliptical, 10 minutes on the bike. I went to do my abs, but the mats and medicine balls and machines were all filled up and I didn't have time to wait before work!

Wednesday I went for a 30 minute walk after work. I talked to my mom the entire time and before I knew it, I was done.

Yesterday I was supposed to cross train again, and I was going to go longer on the bike and definitely get in the abs, but then my tummy didn't feel up to par and the diarrhea that's been plaguing me for a week just took its toll on me. I don't know what THAT'S about, but I am wondering if I'm lactose intolerant.

Poo!

While the cross training is helpful in losing the rest of my weight, Galloway said it's not necessary to working up my mileage for the marathon. So I didn't feel as guilty not doing it, especially since by the end of the workout week, I will have worked out 6 out of the 7 days! AND, I'm only in week 1.

Today, I went to the gym and did my 30 minute run on the treadmill, so I could time everything and do hills, too. My knees hurt a little but I felt great for pushing myself up that 2.9 incline! I maintained the same running speed - a 10 minute something second mile (5.8 speed on the treadmill) the whole time I ran. I went down to 4.0 when I walked.

Tomorrow I'm going to fetch Cat and we'll walk around a local river that measures 3.65 miles.

Sundays will always be my long run. I start with 3 miles this Sunday and work my way up each week. When I hit 13 miles, then I increase my long distance every other week and on the weeks I'm not, I do half the long distance. So for instance, I'll do 13, then 6.5, then 14, then 7, etc.

I think I needed to start this program early not just to account for weeks where I fall behind, but because I desperately needed motivation to get out there running again. I needed a routine, a new plan and a new goal. It's been a year!

I have gone down again in weight, it seems another pound, and I think I needed to refocus so I could lose my remaining weight. I've only got 18 more pounds to go, and I can't help but wonder if my goal is conservative, if I might end up losing more than I think. I've gotten back to writing down what I eat on WW online again, and holding myself accountable for food.

Diet- not being "on a diet" but how I eat, is as important as getting in the exercise!

I'm very excited about the whole thing. But then, this is me! I get very passionate and throw myself into things and hold on and hope I stick with it. But something tells me this will stick. After all, I stuck with eating better and exercising for a year now. So perhaps this isn't a phase!

Happy weekend, all. :)

The fork in the road

2005-07-22T07:43:00.000-07:00

I decided to have a chat with my MN and I’m terrified about the prospect of standing up for myself.

I’m a bit scared about how it could turn out.

In my past, I have been guilty of being too accommodating in a relationship. I try to rationalize and be compassionate and sometimes, my needs tend to get lost in the mix.

But if I’ve learned anything to come to the point that I am at today, it’s that my own feelings and emotions or wants and needs can’t come after someone else’s. Not always.

I want to know things. I don’t want to change him, nor am I foolish enough to think that I could, so I need to know where he really stands on marriage. Is he at least falling in love with me, too? Does he feel like he can let his guard down someday? Let me into those areas of his life that he is shielding from me now?

I’m not asking him for any more of a commitment than I have from him right now. I’m not asking him to let his guard down right now. I’m asking him to consider letting his guard down someday, and to tell me in a broad sense, are you close-minded to marriage?

I don’t think I’m asking too much. Just enough to tell me whether I need to stay or go.

Housekeeping annoucement

2005-07-21T13:30:00.000-07:00

As you guys visit and if you are blogrolling my new site, can you list me as "Knockoff Life" and please refrain from using my name? And please remove my old site?

You all rock.

Thank you :)

Unknown territory

2005-07-21T05:55:00.000-07:00

What do you do when your boyfriend is close to his exwife and she comes to his parents house – with their daughter and her daughter by another marriage – for cake and ice cream and present-giving with the parents, brother and your boyfriend, for your boyfriend’s birthday?

And you weren’t invited.

I’m generally very cool about MNs relationship with his ex. It’s great for the kids. But he neglected to mention she was going to be there at the parent’s house after he went to dinner and when he told me I just felt so left out. It’s been a little over four months, and I guess I’m starting to feel like I want to know what my role is.

I got to see him and give him his presents the day before his birthday. I baked him a cake. I made the night special. But I feel like I'm second-wheel, while we've seemingly been progressing past that.

I’ve never dated anyone with children and exwives before, and I’m trying to be open-minded and understanding and trust me, so far I have been very much so. But there’s this big part of me right now that is well, yeah. A little jealous.

I have so many questions I could never ask him because I don’t want to be insecure. Like, why did she stay at the party? Why didn’t he mention she was going to be there? Why did she get him a gift? Why didn’t he invite me? Does he not see a future with me and that’s why he doesn’t want me around his daughter? Do his parents and brother not like me? Does he kiss and hug her goodbye?

I understand they are friends, and that he doesn’t want to be with her. But I guess I’m just feeling very left out today, and wondering. Will I end up getting hurt, again?

It's a knock-off life

2005-07-08T08:33:00.000-07:00

It’s a knock-off life, for me,
It’s the knock-off life, for me,
Instead of Louis V I get Wouis W
Instead of Coach, I get Goach
It’s the knock-off life.

Welcome to it!